Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge