Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

My nickname in high school was “who?”

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

Every damn time

Venn

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.