I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
rest in peas
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.