Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.