I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
