I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY