I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
As per my last nervous breakdown
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.