I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
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I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
it takes so much energy
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows