Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.