I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
You Might Also Like
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Oh we’ve met.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.