I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My daily affirmation
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
handsome & gretel
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles