I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.