I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”