I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
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I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bruh
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*