Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.