TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Raisins are grape jerky.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.