I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
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I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Duolingo getting serious.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My dog learned how to text
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I want what they have
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one