Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Haha! 😂

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.