Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

ㅤ

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

😂

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles