I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’ve been lied to my entire life
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
