Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

What