I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally