I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
What do you text your spouse?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.