I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name