I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
The Punning Dead.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.