Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

My good tweets are in my other pants.

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

men, we mow at sunrise.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.