I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
it takes so much energy
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon