Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”