Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.