Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”