Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation