[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]