I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
🚲+physics = winner
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk