I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.