I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??