I wake up in the middle of the night like I drank coffee in my sleep
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Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
X-tra spooky blend
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.