Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald