Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

but that was my emotional support daylight

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

Cats are still liquid.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.