Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.