I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.