Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.