Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*