I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.