I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”