I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real