I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
You Might Also Like
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I told my vodka about you.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village