Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.

[next day]

Boss [looking at me]: why are you here

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

This is the one

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.