I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Well, this certainly took a turn
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me