Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

😆this is so true

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”