I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
blocked.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.