I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
You Might Also Like
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
fourth time’s the charm
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM