Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.