[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?