[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
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Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are