I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I can’t stop watching this.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I can also cook 😂
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
