I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
be safe out there!
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
