I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
