I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


I wonder how many people come visit our country and then immediately leave after trying a slice of American cheese.


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.


Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no


*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *


[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer


Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.


According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet