@HatfieldAnne

I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

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@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@jbfan911

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

@TedBundybitch

When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees

@Kids_kubed

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

@TheOnion

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice