I walk in the kitchen just as you drop the pork roast on the floor. No one will know, you say. My only question is how many other times have you done this.

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man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop


Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG


Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.


Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.


Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream


everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.


A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having