My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*