Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

SQUARREL

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Great Canadian literature.

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….