Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Best spoiler warning ever

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them