Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

What personal space?

My dog

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Order here:
More here:

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis