@Riocakes

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

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@causticbob

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@ComicsHey

[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]

@OrdinaryAlso

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

@KentWGraham

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@AaronFullerton

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”