I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?