*eats Milky Way*
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that
oompa loompa: [deep breath]
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”