I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You Might Also Like
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
car not found
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Flowers bee like
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.