Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

why no one uses midhusbands

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?