Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

Math at Halloween.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.