I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
You Might Also Like
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this