Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.