Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.