Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

😞

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister