I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
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Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Good morning
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
How animals would run if they were human
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
OH. COME. ON.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!