*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life