Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

As per my previous tablet…

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}