*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING